How to be sexy for your husband and actually enjoy sex.
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This post is not intended to replace medical advice nor is it a medical diagnosis. For informational purposes only.
Key: (*) prevents Google from mistaking this post for p*rnographic content.
According to a study shared in ‘The Great Sex Rescue’ by Sheila Wray Gregoire, the org*sm gap in heterosexual sex is starkly real, with men reaching the big ‘O’ over 90% of the time compared to women less than 50%. Boooooooooo.
In forums like Reddit and across the general cultural landscape, a common grumble among men and husbands revolves around the noticeable decline in bedroom activities over time.
Their lament often echoes how their wives seem less interested in sex, sometimes appearing to be fine without it at all.
Considering the org*sm gap, can we blame women for not being too eager to jump into the sack, especially when the odds of reaching cloud nine are so unevenly stacked against them?
You’ll be surprised how many of these tips I will go over have little to do with introducing sex toys, sexy lingerie, sexy games, or some crazy sex bucket list.
These are simple tips to help you awaken your sexual spirit. Not only will you feel like the sexiest thing ever, but you can have org*smic and loving sex with your husband.
The good news is that org*smic sex is quite possible.
When both of you are engaged in mutually satisfying sex, you’ll be amazed at how effortlessly you feel attractive and sexy. It’s a great way to reignite that flame.
The equation is simple: feeling sexy and attractive leads to more confidence, which in turn leads to more sex, more pleasure, and deeper bonding.
So let’s get after it girl! I want you to have just as much org*smic and loving sex as my husband and I.
This post covers how to be sexy for your husband and actually enjoy sex.
How to Be Sexy for Your Husband and Enjoy Sex
Are you looking for sexy things that can rekindle the spark in your relationship, especially if it’s been a long time since you’ve felt that electric connection and your husband’s attention?
Let’s get into the ways you can really ignite sexual intimacy in your marriage.
1. Ensure You’re on the Same Page
In the book The Great Sex Rescue, there was a great story about how a single experience between two people can be completely different.
A husband and wife go out to dinner, and they both make their order to the waitress.
Their appetizer comes out, and they start enjoying and ease into their dinner together.
Then, the husband’s dinner comes, and the husband starts smashing while his wife sits there without dinner.
She starts wondering where her dinner is as she’s watching her husband smash his delicious af meal.
Before she knew it, he finished his dinner and promptly ordered dessert. She’s thinking, “What the hell? Where is my dinner? Are you already ordering dessert? Wait!”
He gets his dessert and eats it all with the ultimate satisfaction and contentment on his face. The wife finally gets her meal as he finishes.
As she starts to eat, the husband says, “Wow, I’m stuffed. Alright, let’s get this to go.”
The wife’s food is boxed to heat up and maybe eat another time.
As they leave the restaurant, the husband says to his wife, “Gosh, I love doing this with you. Isn’t this the best honey? I can’t wait to do it again.”
The wife didn’t feel the same and was certainly in no hurry to initiate this experience again. This scenario seems to showcase a lot of the sexual intimacy issues in marriages.
The husband has a vastly more pleasurable experience than the wife, leaving the husband not understanding why she doesn’t like it or crave him.
If this sounds like your sexual life, share this scenario with him.
He will likely be better able to understand your lackluster sexual encounters. It’s one small thing that can make a big difference.
2. Prioritize Sex
When you both are enjoying sex that is mutually satisfying, you’ll be surprised how easy it is to feel attractive and sexy.
Feeling sexy and attractive begets more confidence, more sex, more pleasure, and bonding.
My husband and I have mutually satisfying and org*smic sex (yes, he makes me org*sm every time, sometimes twice), and we are crazy hot for each other.
We’ve been married for four years and have a 2-year-old. Getting to this point took years and lots of practice, love, sacrifice, and dedication.
However, we have always prioritized sex, and neither one of us shelved its importance in our relationship. If you don’t prioritize pursuing a great sex life, it’s hard to have one.
You won’t have any motivation to do a date night or initiate sex if you don’t prioritize it.
Advocating for your sexual experience and pleasure is essential to a healthy sex life. Prioritizing the importance of sex in your marriage is the first thing to get started with a great sex life.
3. Revisit What You Learned About Sex
When you were growing up, how was sex treated? Was it dirty? Did you spend your whole young life as the gatekeeper?
Did you ever get “the talk”? Or were you shaken to see you found blood in your shorts one day in 7th grade?
Once you got more mature, were you told sex is purely for a man’s physical pleasure or to relieve his sexual tension? If sex was treated as something scary, shameful, or non-existent, then it’s likely you struggled more to find your sexual footing.
After all, you likely had to do it alone, with judgment and shame. Given that the biggest sex organ is our brain, and as women, sex is extremely mental, unknotting those unhealthy beliefs will help guide you closer to the fulfillment of your sexual desires.
Unhealthy beliefs can totally affect your sex drive, love life, and your ability to feel like a sexy wife.
Taking alone time to journal and reflect on your sexual beliefs, how you were brought up, and what values you wish to uphold or drop is a simple way to get in touch with your sexuality.
Having quality time with yourself to unpack old and sabotaging beliefs is one of those simple things you can do to help you have more pleasurable and mutually satisfying sex with your husband.
Remember, sex is healthy; it’s good for you, it’s pleasurable, and one of the funnest and most intimate things you can do with another human. You deserve a loving and org*smic sex life with your husband.
Given what you learned about sex, what are your general thoughts and feelings on it? How do you think your experiences and exposure to oversexualized media impacted you?
Do you think sex is important in a long-term marriage? Do you enjoy it or feel insecure? Your thoughts and feelings around sex will manifest in your sex life.
When those thoughts and feelings are positive and healthy, the closer you are to the org*smic and intimate sex life you’ve always wanted.
Related Reading: 7 Practical Ways Parents Can Stay Sexually Connected
4. Cease Sex Toys Usage
I also suggest this in my 21 Best Tips For Better Sex With Your Husband.
Believe it or not, removing sex toys and vibrators from our sex life enhanced our pleasure centers more than I could have imagined.
Unfortunately, just like p*rn is highly visually stimulating that can make sex feel like more work and less satisfying for men, vibrators can, over time, make it harder for you to experience pleasure just through sex.
The vigorous and very specific movements of sex toys surpass that of a human penis.
As someone who used to use sex toys and p*rn, I didn’t have my first vaginal org*sm during sex until I quit both.
In the book “Bringing Up Bebe” by Pamela Druckerman, she discusses cultural parenting and marriage practices in France.
Believe it or not, it’s common knowledge not to use sex toys with batteries because they know that it’s highly physically stimulating and can’t possibly be competed with a human.
They understand that prolonged use of vibrators and sex toys with batteries could reduce your pleasure centers and make it harder and harder to org*sm, especially during normal, healthy sex. This was the case for me.
I’m willing to bet you are probably using your vibrator because you can’t org*sm otherwise.
Just try this experiment.
Quit the vibrator and give your lady bits a break. Then try and masturbate just using your fingers and lube.
You will get to a point where your body’s pleasure responses will come back to equilibrium, and your org*sm will become easier over time.
It’s also important your man takes the time to understand what pleases you and feels good without the shortcut of just whipping out a vibrator to finish you off.
It can come off as lazy and hurtful. When your husband takes the time to learn what arouses you and takes the time to pleasure you, it’s bonding time and brings your intimacy even closer.
Just whipping out a vibrator doesn’t have that same effect. Less is more!
5. Remove Any Soy-Based Products
I mean anything from food to skincare products. Soy can massively disrupt our hormone production and, thus, affect our sexual pleasure sensors.
If sex doesn’t feel good, it’s hard to want it or get remotely aroused!
There was a book I read years ago where a wife struggled with intimacy and found soy to be the culprit.
I’m so mad I can’t remember the book’s name, and I didn’t freaking save it because it was years ago, and I’m kicking myself now.
However, it was a memoir of how a newly married wife struggled to consummate her marriage for months due to vaginal pain during love-making attempts.
After desperate research, she found soy in her acne face wash. After removing the cleanser from her regime, the pain went away, and she was finally able to consummate her marriage fully and have pleasurable sex with her husband for the first time in years!
I had a similar experience to this woman.
Years ago, I went on a huge soyrizo kick while still dating my husband.
I love my traditional chorizo breakfast burritos but thought soy was healthier. After meal prepping and eating my soyrizo religiously, after a few weeks, I noticed sex was feeling…different.
I was no longer really “horny,” and when I tried to have sex, it stung, like really bad!
Sex was starting to become painful, and I wasn’t sure why. Luckily, my now husband was very health conscious and intuitive, suggesting that soy was disrupting my body’s natural hormone production.
Once I quit eating soy, that “stinging” sensation I struggled with never returned. Check the ingredients in all the products and food you use.
Your hubby, too! Soy will affect his hormones as well.
Venturing beyond our comfort zone in understanding how diet impacts sexual health could be the first move toward a more fulfilling sex life.
While it might seem like a little thing, the consumption of soy products has been suggested to influence estrogen levels, potentially affecting libido and making sex less pleasurable.
6. Learn to Love Your Body
Girl, I get this; it is much easier said than done. I still struggle with my body-positivity journey, but it really is the best thing for you.
In an age of toxic normalized p*rn usage, Only Fans, Instagram, and the social media age in general, we live in a very hyper-perfectionist and hyper-achieving culture.
We don’t believe we are beautiful unless we look like Kylie Jenner, Megan Fox, or the p*rn stars your husband is watching (not cool btw).
These are all the false beliefs and self-sabotage we can put ourselves through. Given your husband isn’t a complete tool bag and has a p*rnographic way of relating to women, he thinks your body is on par with Aphrodite.
He thinks you’re a stunning girl. But ultimately, you gotta love yourself first and believe you are beautiful because that matters.
When you feel sexy and beautiful, your inner sex goddess comes out.
Related Reading: 50 Awesome At Home Date Ideas for Homebodies
7. Experiment With Cannabis
Growing up in San Diego, I had my fair share of bomb-ass cannabis and obviously more liberal perspectives on the matter.
Cannabis is incredibly healing and is super underutilized in medicine, and it’s something I hope changes in the future.
I love cannabis for many reasons; one of the biggest ones that is relevant today is it helped me achieve my first vaginal org*sm during sex and unlocked that feature forever!
My then-boyfriend and now husband is the only man ever to give me vaginal and cl*toral org*sms.
Looking back before my husband, the other dudes didn’t give enough of a sh*t about my experience for it to be something to work on, so it was never a thing.
After our relationship was getting deeper, I wanted to have an org*sm with him.
So, I started smoking a joint or a bowl in the evenings.
When I was in my dreamy state with cannabis, I was able to relax my mind and body immensely.
My mind shut the f*ck up, and I was able to just focus on the pleasurable sensations of my body, and before I knew it, we were climaxing together! I did it!
Ever since then, I can have a vaginal org*sm without cannabis.
However, my point is, if you have struggled to find sex pleasurable or org*sm with your man, next time, consider trying cannabis to see if it can unlock your org*smic ability for the first time, as it did for me!
You don’t have to take up smoking forever; all I’m saying is it’s a great route to help you connect with your body, get out of your head, and relax as you are going through this journey of finding your sexual pleasure.
Like I said, I don’t need it to feel pleasure now; it just initially unlocked it for me!
8. Try Karezza/Tantra
Let’s chat about something that’s been a total game-changer in my love life – Tantra and Karezza.
If you haven’t dipped your toes into these waters yet, girl, you’re in for a treat!
So here’s the deal: both Tantra and Karezza are about diving deep into the sea of sexual pleasure with the strongest emotional connection ever, but not in the way you might think.
It’s not about racing to the big ‘O’. Instead, it’s about savoring every single moment of your intimate journey.
You learn what makes each other tick, revel in each other’s pleasure, and truly value the journey more than the destination.
These ancient and wise practices focus on building a deep, meaningful connection beyond physical satisfaction.
Especially if you’re bouncing back from challenges like p*rn addiction or just need to hit the reset button on your sex life, Tantra and Karezza are fabulous starting points.
My hubby and I gave these a go, and let me tell you, it has been nothing short of AMAZING. It’s like we’re building our sexual relationship from the ground up, rediscovering each other in the most intimate ways and awakening our pleasure senses.
Tantric healing? Oh, it’s the real deal, honey! Embracing our tantric journey has been such a fulfilling experience. Let’s break it down a bit, shall we?
Tantra:
- Roots in Ancient India: It’s all about spiritual growth and enlightenment, integrating sexuality into your spiritual walk.
- Mindfulness is Key: Being fully present, emotionally, and energetically intimate with your partner.
- Breathwork and Energy Flow: This is all about channeling that sexual energy for a heightened sense of pleasure and connection.
- Long Sessions: We’re talking about extending the pleasure, focusing on arousal and energy over a more extended period. (Yes, over an hour of tantric bliss!)
Karezza:
- A New Wave of Intimacy: Developed in the 19th century, Karezza is all about emotional bonding and intimacy.
- Steering Clear of the Big ‘O’: It’s about enjoying sustained pleasure without peaking.
- Beyond Genital Focus: This practice emphasizes whole-body sensuality, more than just focusing on the genitals.
- Oxytocin Galore: Karezza boosts this love hormone, strengthening the bond and affection between partners.
So, what’s common?
Both Tantra and Karezza emphasize mindfulness, presence, and emotional intimacy. They’re not about reaching a specific sexual goal of org*sm through more animal “mating” sex but more about the journey and the connection.
But they’re not twins!
Tantra has a spiritual vibe and doesn’t shy away from org*sms in the end, while Karezza is all about emotional bonding and deliberately avoids the climax. Tantra is ancient and energy-focused, while Karezza is a more modern, Western approach.
When my husband and I ventured into this new territory of exploring better sex, Karezza was like a breath of fresh air.
It helped us detox from the overstimulation of p*rn and vibrators. And when we first tried Tantra after a two-week break, oh my stars, it was mind-blowing!
You see, your entire body is a vessel of your sexual spirit, just waiting to be awakened with time, safety, and space. It’s about tuning in and listening to what your bodies crave.
This journey kick-started what I can only describe as the most incredible sexual experiences of my marriage.
What’s great is without relying on crazy new sex positions, slowing down, and not having to worry about the potential pain or discomfort of traditional sex, you can truly start to awaken and feel sexual pleasure by doing very little movement at all.
It will help you discover what feels good and focus on your body instead of your loud mind.
I highly encourage you to explore Tantra or Karezza with your partner.
9. He Needs to Cease P*rn Usage
I understand that men are visual creatures.
However, for you to experience org*smic pleasure, it’s imperative that you feel safe, loved, respected, and cherished to be vulnerable enough to open and share your special sexual spirit and body with him.
This can be extremely difficult with him using p*rn.
If you’ve read my 21 Best Tips For Better Sex With Your Husband, P*rn Addiction: 11 Recovered Addicts Share Their Stories, 10 Signs Your Husband is a Sexual Narcissist, you will know how detrimental p*rn usage is for your man’s health and well-being along with your relationship.
P*rn is incredibly insidious and has no place in a healthy marriage.
When your man is seeking and getting sexual gratification from other women, how the hell is that supposed to make you feel safe, loved, respected, or cherished?
P*rn is the modern mistress that takes him away from his marriage and you.
Can you believe it? Some men deem themselves husband of the year because they jerk it to p*rn instead of taking on a physical mistress. Wow, gee thanks honey I feel so loved now 🤦🏻♀️
“There are many other factors about p*rn use that can threaten a relationship’s intimacy.
First, intimacy for couples is a source of connection and communication between two people.
But when one person becomes accustomed to masturbating to p*rn, they are actually turning away from intimate interaction.
Second, when watching p*rnography the user is in total control of the sexual experience, in contrast to normal sex in which people are sharing control with the partner.
Thus a p*rn user may form the unrealistic expectation that sex will be under only one person’s control.
Third, the p*rn user may expect that their partner will always be immediately ready for intercourse (see Come as You Are by Emily Nagoski).
Fourth, some p*rn users rationalize that p*rnography is ok if it does not involve partnered sexual acts and instead relies only on m*sturbation.
While this may accomplish org*sm the relationship goal of intimate connection is still confounded and ultimately lost.” – The Gottman Institute
P*rn and masturbation are not synonyms.
He can masturbate using his imagination like men have been doing since the dawn of f*ckin time. He doesn’t need highly addictive and stimulating visuals to masturbate, and if he does, he’s a p*rn addict.
His quitting p*rn is a super loving and simple gesture he can take to bring your intimacy closer and safer.
You will fully be able to feel confident and sexy knowing your boobies and labia are the only ones he’s seeing.
It brings safety and intimacy to the bedroom and marriage that cannot be had while he’s watching p*rn.
If you have a problem with your husband’s p*rn usage, you are not alone, and you are absolutely valid in your feelings.
P*rn usage is unacceptable in 99% of marriage cases. Having a p*rn-free marriage is not a huge ask.
My husband and I have been p*rn free for going on five years now when writing this, and we have org*smic and passionate sex 2-4x per week…and no it certainly isn’t vanilla either.
We have zero desire to watch p*rn, no desire to get kinkier with our sex, open up our marriage due to sexual boredom, feel the need to explore anal or entertain the idea of a threesome because the passionate org*smic sex we have with each other is enough. Which continues to bring us back to each other again and again.
P*rn makes the brain want more and more. It could train his brain to relate to women in a p*rnographic way that is hypersexualized, including you.
The fact that so many husbands rationalize, “I’m not attracted to these women; I only want to see things go in holes” (no joke, I have literally seen this written by an actual husband), this husband has officially reduced the people in the p*rn he watches as things.
P*rn dehumanizes people and turns them into sexual orifices for sexual gratification first and people second; this way of thinking toward women can totally manifest and become normalized in your man’s brain over chronic and prolonged usage.
It’s the difference between your man seeing an attractive woman on the street and the first reaction being, “Oh wow, she’s pretty,” and moving on with his day as opposed to “Oh wow, that chick is so hot I would love to (insert any sexually kinky act here).”
One is a healthy way of relating to women as people, and the other is viewing them as objects for men’s consumption and sexual gratification. And no, don’t let your husband gaslight you into believing that all men think or view women like this, therefore you need to get over his crude perspective toward women.
Since my husband quit p*rn, one of the biggest differences he felt was how he was relating to women. Once we were having healthy, loyal, and safe sex p*rn free, he was getting his sexual needs met in a healthy way that was so fulfilling, he’s able to view a beautiful woman like a sunset (his words not mine) and appreciate her beauty like a piece of art and carry on with his day…opposed to before, he was disturbed and frustrated that he was having impulsive sexual urges toward other women but wanting desperately to not feel that way because he genuinely loved me, was attracted to me and wanted only me.
He now views women as art to be cherished, loved, and admired for their beauty, not things to be f*cked for his sexual thrill and gratification. You don’t f*ck art, you admire and protect it, we women are art!
The p*rn was f*cking with his relationships with women, and training him to view and relate to women in a hypersexualized and p*rnographic way, therefore, it was hard for him not to lust over women even though we were having plenty of sex. Since quitting p*rn, he said he hasn’t had that pull toward another woman and feels “imprinted” to me sexually and fully loyal.
Quitting p*rn made it easier for him to remain loyal and monogamous with me.
It’s way easier for your man to remain sexually healthy and loyal to you while maintaining a healthy non-p*rnographic way of relating to women when he’s not watching p*rn.
This is why it’s a slippery slope for your man’s health, marriage, and quite frankly, our culture and society as a whole.
10. Try Oral Sex
This can go both ways. Giving your man oral can be incredibly sexy and arousing. Many of us women have more of a responsive libido, meaning we need to take time to engage in activities to heat up as opposed to already being heated up.
I love giving my husband oral, and it’s a great way to turn me on, as well as him.
Foreplay involving oral sex is one of the best ways to experience a more pleasurable sex life with your husband.
Yes, you can get super turned on by giving your man oral, and if you are interested in how to give it good, check out my How to Give AMAZING AF Oral Sex to Your Husband.
That being said, there is more of a cultural trend happening where men are getting more and more eager to give oral to their women (yaaaaay!).
From TV shows and movies, we are seeing an influx of sex scenes involving women receiving oral sex, which is awesome.
C*nnilingus is incredibly sexy, intimate, and f*cking pleasurable AF. It’s also a great way to prepare for P in V.
When I receive oral from my husband before getting to the main event, I always end up having vaginal org*sms because the oral brings me closer to it.
I understand receiving oral can be a cringy or distasteful sexual act for some women.
If you simply don’t want it, you don’t have to have it or give it. But if you’re intrigued let me ease your worries if you feel shy or insecure about how you may look or smell down there.
Again, this is why your man shouldn’t be watching p*rn where a butt ton of women have plastic surgery on their labia to make them smaller and tighter for entertainment purposes.
I can understand why; if your husband is seeing women like this using p*rn after you just had a baby, it would be hard for you to feel safe enough to allow him to perform oral or have sex with him at all.
If your man isn’t watching p*rn, he is saying, “You are enough.”
To ensure you feel confident enough for oral before you get in bed for the night, give your vulva and labia a good wipe with Summer Eve Intimate Wipes.
If you don’t want fragrance, I understand. I love Unscented Baby Wipes.
Also, ensure you are shaved just enough for easier access to your labia and cl*t. You don’t need to be bald; make sure it isn’t long.
Nothing can hold you back from receiving good oral when adequately groomed and clean.
If you don’t struggle too much with UTIs or yeast infections like me, I love using my Intimate Summers Eve Spray after I clean up my lady bits before intimacy; it can make you feel even more sexy and confident about receiving oral. However, I totally understand if you want to be as fragrant-free as possible.
Just use baby wipes, and you are good!
11. Try Non Hormonal Birth Control
As we talked about before how soy can be a huge disruption to your libido due to the high concentration of phytoestrogens, hormonal birth control can have the same effect.
Hormonal birth control is supposed to disrupt your hormonal balance to prevent pregnancy by removing ovulation. This can not only tank your libido but make sex not nearly as pleasurable, too.
I used to be on the pill for nearly seven years, and my sex career at the time didn’t involve one org*sm during sex.
After experiencing negative long-term effects from hormonal birth control, like depression and weight gain, I decided to learn how to track my cycle naturally.
Once my body removed the synthetic hormone, my cycle got super predictable and back on track.
My libido was back, sex was super pleasurable again, and I knew when my ovulation time was and avoided P in V sex on those days.
I’m proud to report in the three years I tracked my cycle as a form of birth control, I never had so much as a pregnancy scare.
However, I got pregnant the first month we tried once we were ready to start a family. What can I say? I knew when I was ovulating and my cycle like it was a part of me because it is a part of me!
I also understand that many women turn to hormonal birth control for other health reasons, and pregnancy prevention is a perk. If this is you, try adding natural libido-enhancing supplements to help your libido and pleasure.
I love using Maca. It keeps your sexy juices flowing and increases your interest and desire for sex as well as physical pleasure. HOWEVER, Maca can help your body balance your hormones and mood, which could make your body release an egg.
I still take Maca and used it when I was on no birth control and, again, had no pregnancy scares because I knew when to avoid sex. That being said, even if you’re on the pill or something, learn to track your cycle.
Hormonal birth control isn’t 100% effective and can be fickle. Knowing your cycle and preventing P in V sex on those days will only help protect your body more from unplanned pregnancy.
Most women ovulate 14-17 days into their cycle. If you choose to supplement with Maca, you must track your cycle so you know when it’s safest to have sex.
How to be sexy for your husband and enjoy sex
Your pleasure and satisfaction with sex as a woman, believe it or not, is fundamental to the health, happiness, and longevity of your marriage. If you aren’t enjoying sex, you certainly won’t want to have sex. If you aren’t having sex, your husband will slowly withdraw in romantic love and intimacy.
Many marriages end due to an unsatisfying sex life. Ironically, your experience and pleasure during sex as a woman matters more than his because his pleasure is a given every time, not yours. In the journey to reinvigorate the intimacy in your relationship, remember that the art of seduction is often found in the subtleties.
An effective way to deepen your connection isn’t always through grand gestures; sometimes, the power of eye contact and the unspoken eloquence of body language speak volumes. These elements are the good things that form the foundation of a strong, intimate bond.
As you explore and master the art of seduction, these small yet profound actions—like holding a gaze a little longer or understanding the nuances of your partner’s body language—can reignite passion and bring a renewed sense of excitement to your relationship. So, embrace these aspects with enthusiasm and creativity, and watch how they transform the quality of your intimate moments. Good luck, my dears; advocate for your boundaries, wellness, and pleasure; you deserve it!
