This post covers the best questions to get to know someone dating for marriage.
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As a millennial who managed to snag a decent dude on Bumble back in 2017 before online dating took a fat-steaming dump, I know the right questions to ask if you are not in the mood to waste your time with dudes who just want to have fun.
I grew up in San Diego, which, let’s be real, is basically an adult playground. It was really hard to find a good guy who wasn’t on vacation, in college party mode at SDSU, or wasn’t a snobby elitist type who had an awesome job and moola but felt they were God’s gift to you who should be grateful to be in their inner circle.
Then I realized I was wasting time with dudes just having fun with me because I was available. Much time and energy was wasted on dudes who did not intend to pick me to be their girl.
It was necessary; If I wanted to find a good guy who was marriage material, I needed to ask the right questions, the hard ones.
Now, I’m not saying the first thing you do is let the guns start blazing, but these discussions are essential to have sooner than later.
This is why I believe first dates, in general, need to be more casual, short, and easy to end in case they go sideways. This allows the date to breathe and have enough space to feel open and comfortable enough to have deeper and more meaningful conversations that actually matter if you’re searching for marriage.
A man who is also in the headspace for courtship will find his way much faster to you once you stop d*cking around with dudes who are quite literally d*cking with you.
If you want a good, honest and loving man with whom you can tackle this super f*cked up world, these are the best questions to get to know someone dating for marriage!
This post covers the best questions to get to know someone dating for marriage.
best questions to get to know someone dating for Marriage
I’m a younger millennial, born in ’93. I met my now husband in 2017 after YEARS of wasting time with men who had no intention of actually choosing me but keeping one foot out the door while waiting for greener grass (it never was).
Once I stopped wasting time and asked the right questions, I managed to find my future husband within months. When you ask the right questions, it weeds out the dudes who just want to play with you!
Here are the best questions to get to know someone dating for marriage.
1. Monogamy
“What are your general beliefs around monogamy?”
This one seems so obvious, but it should go without saying.
Still, plenty of dudes date, not because they are looking for a meaningful, challenging, and loving monogamous relationship, but because they want low-committed fun, especially before they’re 30.
Dudes take much longer to mature than women, and dudes under 30 are, more often than not, in casual-low commitment-fun mode and less ready-to-marry mode…which is honestly a good thing.
I met my husband when he was 32 and I was 24. By then, he had been single for over a decade and was ready to find a life partner. He had gotten the casual fun dating out of his system and was ready for a loving and monogamous relationship to grow with someone.
However, this sucks if you are ready to settle down and court for marriage, but you keep dating dudes who aren’t in that season of their life yet. Trust me, you don’t want to hunker down a dude who isn’t ready to be hunkered down anyway.
This being said, a dude who values monogamy is ready to settle down for marriage.
Also, this weeds out dudes who don’t value monogamy but would instead pursue other kinds of relationships.
Remember, don’t be afraid to ask these hard questions.
Dudes who make you feel bad about inquiring aren’t rejecting you; they reveal their true nature to you—and guess what? He ain’t checking your boxes, not the other way around.
A dude who cringes or gets triggered over the idea of monogamy is def not marriage material anyway lol
You need this date night question girl.
Which brings me to my next point!
Related Reading: How to Not Be the Forever Girlfriend (Find Husbands)
2. Marriage
“What does marriage mean to you? What are your expectations?”
I know, again, it seems obvious, but you’d be surprised at the disparity of answers you could get with this one.
Many people come from divorced homes and don’t want to marry because of this. Many others come from intact, loving homes they can’t wait to replicate.
Understanding where your man is regarding his general feelings and values toward marriage is crucial while courting.
Ensuring he has a healthy and willing spirit about approaching marriage is so freaking important. Some people’s ambivalence toward marriage may never change, so it’s essential to know where your dude is on his marriage values to help you decide whether it’s a relationship worth pursuing.
Not only that, but I remember seeing a podcast clip of what I’m sure was a Gen Z dude saying that if his wife isn’t sexually attractive (super vague and subjective) after having kids, he will leave her.
“If i have kids with my wife and she let’s herself go – I’m out.”
He said he would leave his wife and kids if his dingy didn’t twiddle for his wife anymore after she carried and birthed his children.
While, as a wife and mother, I understand the vital importance of a healthy and active sex life after kids, it’s not a one-sided deal. My husband gives me all the love, time, and balance I need to tend to my health, wellness, and body so I can feel good and be available sexually.
Notice this guy’s comment is completely one-sided and self-serving. The contingency is on his hypothetical and likely non-existent future wife, not on him. This is how he views marriage through a very sexist and misogynistic lens.
You want the d-bags to expose themselves sooner rather than later.
Related Reading: 30+ Super Cute First Date Ideas You’ll Both Love
3. Politics
“Are you super into the political sphere?”
I’m sure many dating sites say no politics on dates, especially the first ones! But I don’t see it this way.
We are no longer in a world where we can live our whole lives with the ones closest to us without politics coming up at some point, so what’s the point of waiting? This isn’t Thanksgiving dinner, where we can grin and bear it through an evening with inlaws and go back to being you.
While on Bumble (circa 2017), I came across a profile with the following in his bio: ‘No Trump, it just won’t work.’ Remember, it was 2017, a super inflammatory and confusing time.
It was honestly super helpful.
Even though I was and am politically homeless and have no party affiliation, in an age where we need authenticity now more than ever, keeping it 💯 with others will help you find the person for you sooner, instead of going on a date with someone who would otherwise not tolerate you based off how they perceive you and your political ideologies.
Unfortunately, that is the world we live in. Why would you want to waste your time on a date with someone who could potentially detest you for how they perceive your ideologies?
My now husband and I straight up talked about abortion ideologies on our first date. If you align politically or don’t, you will find out sooner or later, so why the eff beat around the bush?
You don’t have to be politically aligned to have a meaningful marriage. Still, it does require being aware and sensitive to that information moving forward, not to mention a constant accrual of emotional maturity.
Of course, ideologies can change, but we can no longer ignore politics’s massive elephant in the room. We are in the age of Aquarius, the information age!
Discussing politics safely is a huge plus for a marriage and healthy relationship, whether you align with it or not. So it’s essential to know how your dates are politically aligned and whether they can have healthy and mature conversations about hard things going on in the world.
Marriage is essentially a lifelong battle against the powers that be while you try to live your life.
Life is hard enough with being politically at odds with your spouse, you know?
4. Religion
“What are your beliefs around religion?”
Again, you’d think this would go without saying, but I’m shocked at the number of people who get married without knowing each other’s religious or lack thereof beliefs.
The alignment of religion and spirituality is a massive marker of importance.
I understand that this is something that can change over time but it’s important the views are respected.
When I was first dating my husband, I was a hefty atheist; now, I welcome Jesus Christ into my life daily as the big loving brother I never had.
Mental flexibility and tolerance are super f*cking important in a marriage.
My husband and I didn’t align spiritually for a while. I was on my own healing and spiritual journey (still am), but my husband didn’t judge or criticize me, nor did I him.
These aren’t just questions for Christian dating.
Knowing where your dude stands concerning his spiritual or religious beliefs is super helpful when dating for marriage.
5. culture
“Who are some people you admire in our culture and society?”
It’s helpful to know if you want a down-to-earth and loving family guy, yet your dude worships Dan Bilzerian, follows a pack of Instagram models with heavily modified bodies and faces, and loves alpha-bro podcasts, he’s likely not hubby material and def not worth pursuing more dates with lol
When dating to find a lifelong partner, discussing cultural values can provide deep insights into each other’s upbringing, traditions, and worldview.
During my first date with my husband, we discussed how we couldn’t stand the very prominent hoe culture in our music with people like Cardi B, Iggy Azalea, Nikki Minaj, and reality stars like the Kardashians and how there were very few healthy female role models for women that didn’t only lead with their sex appeal.
This helped bond and bring us closer together in a culture where we feel isolated.
If he had liked and followed the Kardashians, loved what they brought to the table culturally, and followed a ton of big-booty Instagram models, our relationship wouldn’t have worked or moved past the first date.
You are getting insight into how your date views and interacts with current culture, which is super telling while courting.
6. children
“Do you see yourself being a parent one day?”
Kids are crucial to a healthy and fulfilling marriage, whether or not you decide to have them.
Do you want kids? If so, it’s super important to court someone who wants to be a parent one day. However, this is also true if you don’t want kids; you must court a partner who wants to enjoy a child-free life with you.
Can your feelings change over time? Absolutely. There are no guarantees.
But ensuring you enter your marriage on the same page about kids is non-negotiable for a happy union.
It’s a fundamental lifestyle value that must be aligned more than politics.
I always saw myself having kids, but it was never my ultimate endgame, nor was my life fulfillment dependent on it, and I remember talking about this to my now husband, who is the father of my 3-year-old daughter.
We are also on the same page about not having more kids.
The point is to ask it in a way that relates more to themselves as a parent. For example, “Do you see yourself as a parent one day?” which has nothing to do with you, as opposed to “Do you want to have kids someday?” which can come off as wanting to have kids with them—a little intense and forward!
Remember, keep it light, but it’s also essential to know their stance on children ASAP if you are dating for marriage.
7. lifestyle
“How do you see yourself living in 10 years from now?”
This is a super great question. It will give you an idea of their life values, ambition levels, and priorities and help you see if they align with yours.
My husband and I were always passionate and driven people eager to learn and grow.
How we both envisioned our life in 10 years has come to fruition because we both valued the same lifestyle.
For instance, if you want to enjoy a child-free life and travel the world and in 10 years you see yourself finally tackling the Ande’s Mountains you always wanted, but he sees himself as the owner of a motorcycle shop with a wife and kids, it ain’t gonna work!
Or if one of you is in recovery while your date is an avid IPA consumer and you want a sober relationship.
Nobody is wrong, but the lifestyles are too fundamentally different for either to make a compromise that isn’t so big that they aren’t also giving up a part of themselves to make it work. That is a fast train to resentment.
However, if he says he sees himself doing charity work in Peru while learning yoga and regenerative farming practices, you will realize you may have found someone with whom to have the greatest international adventures!
Talk about lifestyle goals on your first date.
8. ambitions
“What are some of your biggest goals you want to accomplish?”
This also correlates with lifestyle choices.
You both have wants, needs, likes, dislikes, and goals. When your ambitions are aligned, magic happens!
For example, if one of your biggest goals is to live 100% off-grid and be self-sustaining, having a partner who also wants to learn to be self-sufficient and live an off-grid lifestyle may be attractive to them.
But if your date has ambitions of being the next tech start-up guy in California or China while living in the hustle and bustle city, this won’t correlate with an off-grid ambition.
Again, neither one is wrong, but they struggle to fit in.
If you don’t want to reach a fork in the road down the line on whose ambitions you can pursue while the other takes a back seat because they’re both too fundamentally different to accomplish at the same time, it’s important to know if your ambitions align or not sooner rather than later.
When your ambitions align, you are much more likely to accomplish them much faster than if you were flying solo. That’s what’s so great about a loving marriage where you are on the same page and going down the same path together.
It’s always interesting to hear people’s greatest ambitions, so it doesn’t hurt to get after this conversation on a first date, even if your ambitions don’t align!
It’s one of those fun date questions.
9. gender roles
“I recently read an interesting article about how household chores and responsibilities are divided in modern relationships. In your ideal relationship, how do you envision daily tasks and responsibilities being shared?”
This is a great way to get pretty quick intel on their overall views on gender roles and their expectations.
Framing the question around a hypothetical scenario or a ‘recent article’ keeps it casual and relevant. How someone envisions sharing household responsibilities can indicate their views on gender roles without directly asking about them.
It can also help you see if you fit their gender-role perspective. Do they want an egalitarian relationship or to be more of a provider or homemaker?
Also, you will quickly weed out anybody who is offensive or finds unsuitable for a relationship with you.
They may even reveal the dynamics of their parent’s relationship and say they liked it or want to do something different.
10. mindset
“I’m always curious about how people handle change and challenges. For instance, if you had to pick a moment or experience that really tested your adaptability or perspective on life, what would that be? How did you deal with it?”
For instance, when my now-husband moved to San Diego, he was homeless and lived in his car for six months. He then got a job and saved up enough money to rent his first apartment.
Someone overcoming adversity and obtaining a growth mindset is fundamental for life and marriage.
Marriage isn’t about making life easier but facing adversity together. You are constantly battling life’s woes together, making mindset everything.
Knowing that your date has grit, will, and an eagerness to learn, grow, improve, and embrace adversity is essential in a strong, healthy person and good marriage partner.
Someone with a more nihilistic perspective who believes nothing matters avoids challenges, gives up quickly, blames everyone else for their life, sees the effort as fruitless, and ignores valuable feedback; how the hell is this person supposed to grow as a person, let alone in a marriage with you?
With a healthy growth mindset, where they believe intelligence, capability, skill, and talent can be developed over time rather than being static, your marriage partner will have a greater sense of free will and, therefore, reach much higher levels of achievement in every aspect of their life, including their marriage.
My husband is the king of the growth mindset, and I am so grateful it has rubbed off more on me. It’s the best mindset for a healthy human and marriage!
best questions to get to know someone dating for Marriage
If you are over dating and ready to find the person for you and settle down, it’s time to ask the hard questions!
As we wrap up our exploration of thoughtful and engaging topics, remember that having a collection of questions for date night can transform your experience, whether you’re prepping for your first or hundredth date.
If you find yourself in the fast-paced world of speed dating, having a few of these best speed dating questions up your sleeve can make all the difference. They’re not just dating questions for couples who’ve been together for a while; they’re also perfect as fast dating questions for those just getting to know each other.
Keep the conversation lively and revealing with these fun date questions, and let each date night question pave the way to deeper connection and understanding. Dating should be an adventure; with the right questions, you can uncover the magic of truly getting to know someone.
